A small dose of happiness

A SMALL DOSE OF HAPPINESS

I was reading Mariamma’s blog (no not my amma, but my bestie Mari) and it made me want to write. I do not know why. But this urge to write came into me. I am going through one of the toughest points in my life, it is terrible and depressing. I find waking up every day a difficult task and once I am up I am scared to go back to sleep. It is an exhausting phase of life, if you know what I mean. I have been spending the last few months of my life cursing the fact that I had to grow up and I had to take decisions that could alter my life for good or bad. I always evaded such situations, but I guess not anymore.

But you know what, today after having got myself out of bed with a lot of effort, I started with my regressions and write-ups and assignments. Somewhere in between all this I decided to go to Mari’s words for comfort, because I have strictly told myself to not to fall to fb or Instagram as the transient feeling of being lost in others’ seemingly happy lives is not true and won’t heal me.

Her blog brought back those wonderful years I have had in the past in my college and subsequently in Delhi. I realized, yes, I am going through a difficult time and so does the majority of the world. No one has the lives they would have ideally wanted. Everyone has to go through difficulties, stress, disappointments, curl up and think life is never going to get better any time. But honestly, I feel, I have had my heaven in my yesteryears, and who knows I would still have it in the years to come. I just need to hang on.

Those wintery mornings of Delhi always charmed me, as an early riser I have not missed the beauty of an amazing dawn in Stephens, walking around lazily, never dawning on me that I need to get to my books (but I am glad it didn’t). Despite being an early bird, I have walked into numerous 8.40 lectures late just because I found an interesting conversation to engage myself during breakfast hours in the mess. I almost always went to the morning lectures in my pajamas and numerous times I know Ann has given that disapproving nod which said so much. And then during the break hours we got, I went to take a shower and change into nicer clothes (thinking back I have no clue why I did that because if it was my appearance that mattered I already had spoilt that with the pajama walking in). Then it was café hanging out which I most diligently did, sometimes even just lazing around on the lawns. So, when my parents asked Ann if all what I did was lazing about on the lawns she gave an acknowledging grin.

And so was JNU, another amazing part of my life, it created the present me, the passionate me. Those days made me optimistic.

Somehow all these things make me feel, if my life were to end now, sum total it was a happy one I had. So, all this fretting about the difficulties of life and the stress of it seems so unreasonable. I think that is the problem with us, even the slightest difficulty makes life so hard, you wished it never happened and all. Honestly to this very moment I have been thinking and feeling the same too. But in these times of darkness also I have had my friends despite their busy schedule checking in on me, talking to me for hours. That kindness makes you realize, the world is not a bad place and more importantly you have had amazing times in the past which should be enough tonic to survive through this phase.

Mari’s blog made me realize how the essence of the person in me still survives, despite all the troubles. I love a good laugh, I love my work, I want to impress my parents, I want to make friends (which normally used to come to me easy not now somehow), I want to sing stupid songs offbeat, I want to go back to JNU and be that strong person not the meek me of now, I want to read endlessly, I want to be happy, I want to be carefree. I guess it is all in us to be able to do that, it is just that we wind up so much when something unexpected happens in life that we forget the goodness in it. Mari’s blog today unwound me, made me realize there is so much more.

I hope in the most difficult times everyone can find that spot of light in their past which makes it worth it to move on. I think for now I have, knowing fully well I will need more soon.